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- Don't touch that. - I'm sorry, what is it?
That note that your father gave you,
Todd, wait, come on!
- With training? - With everything.
Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate.
All he ever did was try and give me a good life.
I promise.
It's fun!
You wanna bet?
- You okay? - What, yeah. No, I'm, I'm fine.
But I'm not, and I never was.
As long as you don't fall on your face, you're in.
I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner!
No, son, thank you.
Dave?
A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.
Good job, guys.
Dave I don't know how you got into all this shit but,
and gave herself the award for perfect attendance.
You wanted me to be my own man. This is what it looks like.
You're actually pretty cute under that mask.
But you gotta put it in context.
Come on!
Party at my house!
Dude, how badass is Colonel Stars and Stripes?
- I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play B-League. - So, train me.
Chuck! Get this girl off me!
- Come on. - Pizza, can we get pizza?
They'll take care of the bad guys. We better skedaddle before they get here.
Come on, let's go see. Come on!
Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth.
- Why, you mean I'm not grounded? - Well, just, consider this a warning.
You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.
Is anybody there?
A Brooklyn resident was found decapitated last night.
Pants on fire. I wrote a whole bunch full...
Ralph D'Amico is gonna end you for this.
- How is this gonna go viral? - You want to be filmed?
Pardon my language, Colonel, but you have got some serious balls.
That's the point. Kick-Ass isn't a costume. Kick-Ass is who you really are.
Right, I appreciate that. Thanks for joining the cause.
- Hey, how you doing? - Good, Uncle Ralph.
What could be so great about gagging on some douchebag's tongue?
Don't you wanna belong?
I don't think you can have a problem, when people hear about this.
My dad was a decent man.
Why is this party in the middle of nowhere?
- We don't have them. - Seriously?
What, not interested in a fair fight, huh?
Who are you talking to, man?
All right ladies, have a seat, let's get started.
Like, at all.
- What? - More polite.
Dad?
Maybe, I'll jam my foot up your snatch!
- I don't know. Am I? - Yes, you are. You look great.
Some help, please!
I got to go, okay?
- Wait, wait, wait, a chick? - Yeah.
Five-foot-four, but mean as shit.
- Shut up! - Yeah!
Check, it, out!
I know, right? So...
I think she wants to take the party upstairs!
Woah, you don't think that's just a little bit incredibly racist?
You gave it up.
and every one of you, party favor fertilizer bombs.
Oh, my God, Mindy?
This, will change, your life.
Shit. My bad.
Yeah, I know I recognized your voice.
That's gotta hurt.
You can't fight crime in that.
No, people want to win the lottery.
Ass
You in?
Very tidy. Very tidy.
Some douche just posted a link to a story about a whorehouse.
And even set up a, y'know, a thing, on the internet for people to help us find Tommy.
Do you really have such a hard-on to die?
Mindy!
Guard up!
I know what my role is in this, Javier...
I can't believe you lied to them.
If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass, we'd be honored to have you join us.
- What's happened to your face? - Nothing.
- Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass? - Because, I'm Kick-Ass!
You see it was designed for crowd control but deemed too severe.
Simon, get back in the car.
Todd texted me. Again.
YOU'VE GOT TO STOP OBSESSING OVER THIS SUPERHERO!
So...
Hurt her...